A GUIDE TO HOSTING COMPASSIONATE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT MORAL INJURY AND THE DOCUMENTARY “THE VIETNAM WAR”
Introduction: “The Vietnam War,” will air on PBS stations nationwide beginning on September 17, 2017; the 18-hour, 10-part documentary series will also be available on DVD for later viewing events. The series presents dozens of diverse views and experiences of the war from American and Vietnamese survivors, and it follows the stories of a number of American and Vietnamese survivors throughout the series as it moves chronologically from the war’s beginning to its end. In doing so, it offers opportunities for empathetic conversations across perspectives that once carried deep enmity and division. This guide offers suggestions for conversations that encourage deep listening and the cultivation of compassion for self and others. We hope the conversations will increase understanding of moral injuries in the wake of that war. While a relatively new term, moral injury refers to human suffering when wars challenge or destroy moral values and behavior: Moral injury happens to people of conscience when they commit acts or witness events that damage or destroy their core moral foundations. Personal or group identities can become unmoored from meaning systems under conditions that severely limit choices and result in harm or death. Moral injury can leave survivors of war isolated in despair, wrought with complex grief or fierce outrage, and struggling to resolve core identity and meaning. The morally injured may also feel betrayed by institutions or leaders they served who violated moral standards and deeply shared values. They can also feel forever stained by participating in or witnessing evil. The suffering of moral injury can linger for years or decades beneath the surface of overwork and outward success, interrupted by eruptions of uncontrollable rage, or the fog of alcohol and drugs. Or it can result in desolation: mistrust of authority and institutions, devastation of faith, loss of hope, emotional numbing, and the stigma of shame that leads to suicide. These signs of inner suffering have proven not only devastating to individuals but also to the families and communities who welcomed someone home who was profoundly changed from the person who went to war. The long-delayed sorrow or shame or guilt or outrage of moral injury, when unprocessed, can affect a person or community’s resilience and ability to flourish. Yet, the suffering itself is a sign of humanity, of people’s moral conscience that can make them feel divided against themselves. Trauma changes people and communities forever. There is no going back to an innocent past, but how trauma is processed is not predetermined. People who have carried it without a chance to integrate it are more likely to be controlled by their pain. Alleviating painful memories through sharing and processing can turn trauma into insight and understanding that inform the future with wisdom and greater freedom from suffering.
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While moral injury is a new term, virtually every spiritual and religious tradition understands the impact on the human soul and the community when people violate core moral values and have their sense of meaning and purpose in life damaged or destroyed. This guide is intended to enable interfaith and secular groups to hold conversations, but it may also be useful for those who share a tradition and want to open conversations to others beyond their congregation. In sharing different experiences and responses to the series, people may finally feel heard and also be able to hear others with compassion and care. If congregations, community organizations, and families gathered at home find this guide helpful, it may open doors to relationships and further conversations that help transform moral injury into wisdom about the past and a better future for us all.
Some Recommendations: In preparation for the conversations, consider who in your wider community or town might benefit from watching the series with others: military veterans and their families, military families, communities that might have a survivor relationship to the Vietnam war, ex. Vietnamese, Hmong, Cambodian, and Laotian immigrant communities, former government officials, or people who were involved in trying to stop the war. Those who are too young to remember the war will have the benefit of being grounded in diverse lived experiences of those times, and those who lived through that time may still have feelings about it that would benefit from being processed. Remember the age of survivors and the losses they may have experienced. Some may have physical disabilities, such as hearing or vision impairment, and need accessible facilities. For them to participate, you should seek ways to accommodate and include them such as microphones, a signer, or even an uplink to offer closed captioning, even for the conversations (it can be contracted remotely with a good internet connection, at an hourly rate—just google “closed captioning for events” to find a company). A seasoned pastoral counselor, trusted community leader, or group facilitator should give instructions to set the tone and mood of the process and guide the deep listening sharing with care and compassion. A second facilitator is useful for monitoring small group conversations or the talking circle, keeping time, and remaining alert for when extra help might be needed. Both facilitators should be identified to participants as supporting the process so that it works well for everyone. Introducing them “authorizes” their role in the process and frees everyone else to focus on listening to others and to their own hearts. One word of caution: Sometimes, people can be surprised by the intensity of their emotional responses to difficult subjects, and they may want further assistance. This especially may happen to people who have never before spoken of their trauma. Having a few chaplains or counselors available during watch events for people in distress is important support, and a separate room where they may speak privately is a good idea. They should keep an eye on the group to identify and offer care during the viewing. At the end of the event, they may need to assist anyone who is distressed. If you have them, also introduce them before the screening, so people are aware they are present and available.
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It is also recommended that a mental health hotline number be posted and easy to see for people who may want to follow up and talk further with a professional. These measures may not be needed, but they will add layers of support that help everyone feel more comfortable participating. Finally, the rituals to begin and end the conversations are crucial, so do not skip them. The use of art ritually integrates the body-feeling-thinking parts of the brain and changes body states by affecting mood and creating connections among people by having them do the same activity. Arts are ways to help calm people’s spirits, to create a collective mood, and to enact being a group. If your group is one religious community, it should be easy to have a song that everyone can sing, and keep them singing a bit—don’t cut the singing short. You might even do a sung prayer. If the group is secular, have a nonsectarian song or use a simple, repeatable chant. If the group is multicultural, you might use one cultural/religious form to begin and end with another or do one each to begin and end. It’s OK to ask people to sing in a foreign language if it is simple and you work them through the pronunciation—encourage them to vocalize or hum if they have trouble with the words. For the beginning of the conversation time, select music appropriate to the film that will create a reflective, thoughtful mood, and don’t rush the music part. If people were deeply moved by the film, they may not have words for how they feel. Music can help connect feeling with words and release emotions. To end the conversations, music can be more uplifting and inspiring to send people home feeling like they would like to return for further conversations. It might even have some simple body movement involved—be mindful in planning the rituals to include participation by people with disabilities.
General Instructions:
1. Be sure to have greeters to welcome people as they arrive and find seats. Sometimes people need to sit with their back to a wall or to be able to see the exits (esp. those who might have some PTSD symptoms), so be sure you have such options. 2. If your facility allows, have chairs that are movable, so that after the viewing, people can move into conversation groups. Scatter boxes of tissues around the seating area. You might also have the viewing in one room and the conversations in another. 3. Identify the chaplains or counselors who are available for people distressed by what they see, in case they might extra support or want to talk in a private room. Make sure the counselors or chaplains have the mental health hotline number if the person needs immediate professional help or if they ask for further help. 4. If you want to serve refreshments (recommended), do it before the viewing starts or after the conversations, rather than just as conversations begin. You want people to focus on listening, rather than juggling a drink and/or eating while people are sharing. 5. At the end of the screening and before a break, consider having people sit in silence for 2-4 minutes to let the episode sink in, to listen to their hearts and what
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they are feeling. Have the time begin with three deep breaths with a slow expire. Then use a chant, song, or bell to end the silence. You can explain beforehand in the announcements that you will do this, so people are prepared and don’t leave during the credits. For those who are not staying for the conversations, this processing time can be beneficial to transitioning from the emotional impact of the viewing to the task of getting home. 6. End the time of silence with a short break. The episodes run about 80 minutes, so many will need a toilet break, which also enables those who want to leave to do so. 7. Begin the conversations after the break. 8. Stay within the advertised time. If you plan for an hour conversation after the screening and a break, the entire time commitment would be around 160-180 minutes. 9. After welcoming everyone and before the opening ritual, take care of announcements, identify facilitators and chaplains, and ask them to be mindful of who is present with them. Remind them that people may have complex emotional responses to what they see. Rather than applause, invite people to use their hands in a gesture of agreement to something they see, and, if they appreciate something humorous, to laugh quietly. Humor and expressions of sorrow can vary culturally, and in a diverse group, it’s important to be attentive to those differences. 10. Explain deep listening (see summary below). 11. Begin & end each conversation session with a brief ritual act that is collective & appropriate to those in attendance before the singing. For example, begin the viewing with having people greet those near them in a formal way, then follow with a short invocation, chanting, singing, or a short time of silence to breathe deeply & end with a bell or gong. This marking of the space of the program with a ritual act identifies it as liminal space & time, an experience outside ordinary time. The ritual marks the space as special and heightens the feeling of intimacy during a conversation, and it helps people to be fully present and to settle into the event.
Two Models for Structured Conversations: These are designed to encourage deep listening. Structure One: Small Groups:
1. Ask people to create small talking groups with people they don’t know of 3-6. Small groups allow people more time to create a close, friendly context and to talk longer. 2. Begin the small group conversations by having everyone take three deep breaths and letting the breath out very slowly while feeling their body sink deeply into their seat. This helps to calm people and make them present in the moment. 3. Instruct everyone to identify something they are wearing or carrying in a pocket or purse that is important to them, and if it is portable, to take it out and hold it. Have each person introduce themselves in one minute to the others by saying their name and what makes the object important to them. If there is space, they can place the object on the floor in the middle of the group—the objects become an “altar” that holds the presence of each person in the group. The visual reminders
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help people remember the others in the group. Give them one minute per person to do this. (This use of the significance of personal objects is an oblique reference to Tim O’Brien’s beloved novel about the Vietnam War, The Things They Carried.) 4. Select three questions you want to have the groups address. Ask one at a time and give them time to answer them. Make clear that if anyone hears something they want to share outside the group, they must ask the person who said it to give them permission. Questions that might be used (select about three at most and use your own if you prefer): a. What did you receive from this episode that was valuable to you? b. What surprised you about this episode? c. What most affected you emotionally and how does it relate to your life experience? d. What feeling lingers for you from this episode and what evoked it? e. What remains unresolved or difficult for you? f. Was there anything that inspired you or made you feel grateful in the episode? g. How were you changed by watching this? 5. Invite the groups to address each question by every person speak 2 minutes while everyone else just listens. Have a timer, bell, or gong for the conclusion of the time for each question. Be sure the last question helps people shift mood to something neutral or positive. 6. Give the groups 3-5 minutes just to talk and process what happened to them and how they were changed by viewing and talking together. 7. Ask them to collect the things on their altar to conclude the conversations and call everyone back together. If the same groups are gathering every episode, you can use different check-in processes at the beginning but always begin with the three breaths and ask them to do some sort of check-in. 8. You might invite people during the time before the next episode to write or draw their responses to what happened and bring them to share the next time. Begin with those sharings to start the conversation about the next episode—this links the episodes and follows the series itself in which a person’s story appears in several episodes. 9. If the attendees are not regular, do the group altar exercise every time. 10. Call everyone back together and give them 5-10 minutes to volunteer short statements (or even just words) about what they learned or how they were changed. 11. End with a chant, song, extinguishing of the candle, or offer a few words of affirmation and farewell, and an invitation to return for further episodes.
Structure Two: Inner-Talking, Outer-Listening Circles:
(Sometimes called a fishbowl) Recommended for events that will have varied and unpredictable attendance.
1. Set the chairs with an inner circle of chairs that have 10-12 chairs and place a circle around them, but within 4-5 feet of the inner circle. If the entire group is small, the inner circle can be as small as 4. If the attendance is larger than will fit without
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spreading the outer circle too far from the inner one, do two outer circles, one behind the other. The goal is to enable the outer circle(s) to hear what is said in the inner circle. Even better than an extra outer circle would be a second innerouter circle, if you have space, but be sure to have two additional facilitators as well. 2. Announce the total amount of time dedicated to the talking circle and use an hourglass or visible timer, so people attend to the length of time they speak. 3. Have a facilitator sit in the inner circle who invites people to sit in the inner circle if they want to speak (encourage some volunteers if people avoid the inner circle, but not every chair needs to be occupied to start the conversation—it’s a good idea to have a few people who have agreed ahead of time to start the sharing). 4. Explain deep listening and explain that people are invited to speak from their hearts about how they are feeling (the list of questions above can be used as prompts). The outer circle’s role is to listen deeply to the person speaking. 5. Before anyone speaks, have everyone take three deep breaths by inhaling deeply and exhaling very slowly while feeling their body rest deeply into their seat. 6. Invite people in the outer circle to come up to empty chairs in the inner circle if they want to speak and to speak when they are ready. 7. Ask people not to return to the inner circle to speak again until everyone in the outer circle has had a chance to speak. 8. Explain that each person has up to 2 minutes to speak and indicate an hour glass or some other way that everyone can see the time—it helps speaker and listeners to be aware of the limits of the time. 9. Ask everyone else to focus and listen to the person speaking, including the inner circle. After each person speaks, everyone should take two long deep breaths and let what they said settle in. 10. Invite people after they speak to leave the inner circle, after the long breath, when they feel ready. 11. When the next person in the inner circle feels ready, she or he speaks. You can go around by turn, or just let people speak when they are ready and keep going around as new people move into the circle from outside to speak. 12. Do not be afraid of the silences. Often people are taking in something powerful and important, so don’t start to get anxious if the silence goes awhile. Be patient. 13. If a speaker starts to argue or state a political opinion, the facilitator might want to remind them, gently, that people might agree or disagree, but this process is about sharing what moved them and what hurts remain. 14. When time to end comes, don’t interrupt the final speaker. Wait for silent space to bring things to a conclusion. Thank everyone for sharing and listening carefully. 15. Take a few minutes to ask people to look around the room at others and to share how they have been changed or what they have learned from the conversation. 16. End with three breaths, followed by a chant, song, extinguishing of the candle, or offering a few words of affirmation and farewell, and an invitation to return for further episodes. 17. If you have a crowd larger than 50 or so, and cannot do a second circle, you may want to use the small group process. Not everyone will want to speak, but too large a crowd will prevent some people from speaking who might want to.
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Troubleshooting: With topics as conflicted and contested as war, it can be easy for people to want to argue points of view rather than open their hearts. Often, such differences carry intensity, but not the kind of emotions that encourage vulnerability or openness. If a person uses their time to make an argument, make sure there is the breathing time after they speak. Then, remind everyone that that the process of deep listening means also speaking from the heart with openness.
If someone starts to respond to the argument, dueling opinions can derail the listening process. The facilitator might need to intervene, but graciously and gently so as not to stir things up more. If an argument starts to happen, ask the responder to begin first by restating what they heard and checking with the previous speaker to see if they feel heard. It can be the case that profound grief and hurt lie behind an angry opinion and has been the way a person has coped with their suffering is to hold tight to their judgment. Just feeling heard can help and open up a different way of saying something. So before letting someone else respond to an opinion, be sure the previous speaker feels heard. If a speaker has a hard time with vulnerability, it may help to ask them to sit with what is happening to them or to ask what supports their looking forward with hope if the past cannot be changed and what they believe can inform the future. If the speaker is not able to make themselves vulnerable and stays with an argument or opinion, you might remind the whole group before the time of silence that the deep listening process asks us to set our own evaluations aside and to take in what was said with an open the heart. Ask them to listen to the feelings and try to connect with compassion for the feelings. Listening with the heart does not require adjudicating the truth of statements, just a willingness to listen to the suffering involved. If someone speaking starts to be overcome with emotion, don’t jump in right away unless you are worried about their mental health state. Give them a short time to recover. If they break down more, a chaplain or counselor may want to approach to sit next to them and offer a steady hand on their hand or arm (touching is cultural so ask permission if the person is a stranger and not of the same culture). If that fails to help them regain control, the support person can ask if they’d like to leave for a bit. After some time to regroup, they may choose to come back or, if they want to leave, the support person should make sure they are OK to get themselves home. If they do not seem stable or in control, use the emergency hotline to get help before you let them leave.
About Deep Listening
When we listen with an open heart, we listen to understand, to empathize, and to accept the other’s feelings and who they are. We seek to be fully present and attentive and to make speaking easier by setting aside a need to judge, evaluate, or challenge. We receive what is shared as a gift, with gratitude. If thoughts, emotions, memories, associations arise in your mind, notice them, and gently let them go, so you can return to listening to the speaker, wholeheartedly. By quieting our
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busy thinking minds, we make it possible to listen precisely and openly, instead of arguing with and trying to control what we hear. Some call this a contemplative mind: fresh, alert, attentive, calm, and receptive. We are listening for a person’s own understanding of their story rather than for facts to adjudicate truth or to agree or disagree. We do not have to worry about what we think or what we want to say. Just receive and let what we receive settle into our hearts so that, if we speak in response, it will come from our hearts as well. Being listened to this way can be affirming and transformative, especially if we also share by making ourselves vulnerable and honest when we have a chance to reflect on our response. Deep listening applies not only to communication with another but also to our inner awareness.
Resources:
About types of deep listening:
Small groups listening: http://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/practices/features.php?id=15570 Attentive, Receptive Listening: http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree/deep-listening Slowing Down to the Speed of Love: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/what_is_deep_listening.html
1. Arts and Healing Program at UCLA Collaborative Centers for Integrative Medicine (CCIM): http://uclartsandhealing.org/free-downloads/. 2. Brock, R. and Lettini, G. (2012). Soul Repair: Recovering from Moral Injury After War, Boston: Beacon. 3. Capps, W. H. (1982). The Unfinished War: Vietnam and the American Conscience. Boston: Beacon. 4. Drescher, K., et. al. (2013). “Morality and Moral Injury: Insights from Theology and Health Science,” Reflective Practice: Formation and Supervision in Ministry, vol. 33 http://journals.sfu.ca/rpfs/index.php/rpfs/article/viewFile/262/261. 5. Graham, L. (2017). Moral Injury: Restoring Wounded Souls. Nashville: Abingdon. 6. Litz, B. T., et al. 2016. Adaptive Disclosure: A New Treatment for Military Trauma, Loss, and Moral Injury. NY: Guilford Press. 7. Marlantes, K. (2011). What It Is Like to Go to War. NY: Atlantic Monthly Books. 8. Van Der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. NY: Penguin Group LLC. 9. Woods, D. (2016). What Have We Done: The Moral Injury of our Longest Wars. NY: Little, Brown.
Prepared by Rita Nakashima Brock, Ph.D., Senior Vice-President for Moral Injury Programs, Volunteers of America and Commissioned Minister of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) Pacific Southwest Region. Please send questions, feedback, or comments to rbrock@voa.org. (510) 203-7481.
Introduction: “The Vietnam War,” will air on PBS stations nationwide beginning on September 17, 2017; the 18-hour, 10-part documentary series will also be available on DVD for later viewing events. The series presents dozens of diverse views and experiences of the war from American and Vietnamese survivors, and it follows the stories of a number of American and Vietnamese survivors throughout the series as it moves chronologically from the war’s beginning to its end. In doing so, it offers opportunities for empathetic conversations across perspectives that once carried deep enmity and division. This guide offers suggestions for conversations that encourage deep listening and the cultivation of compassion for self and others. We hope the conversations will increase understanding of moral injuries in the wake of that war. While a relatively new term, moral injury refers to human suffering when wars challenge or destroy moral values and behavior: Moral injury happens to people of conscience when they commit acts or witness events that damage or destroy their core moral foundations. Personal or group identities can become unmoored from meaning systems under conditions that severely limit choices and result in harm or death. Moral injury can leave survivors of war isolated in despair, wrought with complex grief or fierce outrage, and struggling to resolve core identity and meaning. The morally injured may also feel betrayed by institutions or leaders they served who violated moral standards and deeply shared values. They can also feel forever stained by participating in or witnessing evil. The suffering of moral injury can linger for years or decades beneath the surface of overwork and outward success, interrupted by eruptions of uncontrollable rage, or the fog of alcohol and drugs. Or it can result in desolation: mistrust of authority and institutions, devastation of faith, loss of hope, emotional numbing, and the stigma of shame that leads to suicide. These signs of inner suffering have proven not only devastating to individuals but also to the families and communities who welcomed someone home who was profoundly changed from the person who went to war. The long-delayed sorrow or shame or guilt or outrage of moral injury, when unprocessed, can affect a person or community’s resilience and ability to flourish. Yet, the suffering itself is a sign of humanity, of people’s moral conscience that can make them feel divided against themselves. Trauma changes people and communities forever. There is no going back to an innocent past, but how trauma is processed is not predetermined. People who have carried it without a chance to integrate it are more likely to be controlled by their pain. Alleviating painful memories through sharing and processing can turn trauma into insight and understanding that inform the future with wisdom and greater freedom from suffering.
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While moral injury is a new term, virtually every spiritual and religious tradition understands the impact on the human soul and the community when people violate core moral values and have their sense of meaning and purpose in life damaged or destroyed. This guide is intended to enable interfaith and secular groups to hold conversations, but it may also be useful for those who share a tradition and want to open conversations to others beyond their congregation. In sharing different experiences and responses to the series, people may finally feel heard and also be able to hear others with compassion and care. If congregations, community organizations, and families gathered at home find this guide helpful, it may open doors to relationships and further conversations that help transform moral injury into wisdom about the past and a better future for us all.
Some Recommendations: In preparation for the conversations, consider who in your wider community or town might benefit from watching the series with others: military veterans and their families, military families, communities that might have a survivor relationship to the Vietnam war, ex. Vietnamese, Hmong, Cambodian, and Laotian immigrant communities, former government officials, or people who were involved in trying to stop the war. Those who are too young to remember the war will have the benefit of being grounded in diverse lived experiences of those times, and those who lived through that time may still have feelings about it that would benefit from being processed. Remember the age of survivors and the losses they may have experienced. Some may have physical disabilities, such as hearing or vision impairment, and need accessible facilities. For them to participate, you should seek ways to accommodate and include them such as microphones, a signer, or even an uplink to offer closed captioning, even for the conversations (it can be contracted remotely with a good internet connection, at an hourly rate—just google “closed captioning for events” to find a company). A seasoned pastoral counselor, trusted community leader, or group facilitator should give instructions to set the tone and mood of the process and guide the deep listening sharing with care and compassion. A second facilitator is useful for monitoring small group conversations or the talking circle, keeping time, and remaining alert for when extra help might be needed. Both facilitators should be identified to participants as supporting the process so that it works well for everyone. Introducing them “authorizes” their role in the process and frees everyone else to focus on listening to others and to their own hearts. One word of caution: Sometimes, people can be surprised by the intensity of their emotional responses to difficult subjects, and they may want further assistance. This especially may happen to people who have never before spoken of their trauma. Having a few chaplains or counselors available during watch events for people in distress is important support, and a separate room where they may speak privately is a good idea. They should keep an eye on the group to identify and offer care during the viewing. At the end of the event, they may need to assist anyone who is distressed. If you have them, also introduce them before the screening, so people are aware they are present and available.
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It is also recommended that a mental health hotline number be posted and easy to see for people who may want to follow up and talk further with a professional. These measures may not be needed, but they will add layers of support that help everyone feel more comfortable participating. Finally, the rituals to begin and end the conversations are crucial, so do not skip them. The use of art ritually integrates the body-feeling-thinking parts of the brain and changes body states by affecting mood and creating connections among people by having them do the same activity. Arts are ways to help calm people’s spirits, to create a collective mood, and to enact being a group. If your group is one religious community, it should be easy to have a song that everyone can sing, and keep them singing a bit—don’t cut the singing short. You might even do a sung prayer. If the group is secular, have a nonsectarian song or use a simple, repeatable chant. If the group is multicultural, you might use one cultural/religious form to begin and end with another or do one each to begin and end. It’s OK to ask people to sing in a foreign language if it is simple and you work them through the pronunciation—encourage them to vocalize or hum if they have trouble with the words. For the beginning of the conversation time, select music appropriate to the film that will create a reflective, thoughtful mood, and don’t rush the music part. If people were deeply moved by the film, they may not have words for how they feel. Music can help connect feeling with words and release emotions. To end the conversations, music can be more uplifting and inspiring to send people home feeling like they would like to return for further conversations. It might even have some simple body movement involved—be mindful in planning the rituals to include participation by people with disabilities.
General Instructions:
1. Be sure to have greeters to welcome people as they arrive and find seats. Sometimes people need to sit with their back to a wall or to be able to see the exits (esp. those who might have some PTSD symptoms), so be sure you have such options. 2. If your facility allows, have chairs that are movable, so that after the viewing, people can move into conversation groups. Scatter boxes of tissues around the seating area. You might also have the viewing in one room and the conversations in another. 3. Identify the chaplains or counselors who are available for people distressed by what they see, in case they might extra support or want to talk in a private room. Make sure the counselors or chaplains have the mental health hotline number if the person needs immediate professional help or if they ask for further help. 4. If you want to serve refreshments (recommended), do it before the viewing starts or after the conversations, rather than just as conversations begin. You want people to focus on listening, rather than juggling a drink and/or eating while people are sharing. 5. At the end of the screening and before a break, consider having people sit in silence for 2-4 minutes to let the episode sink in, to listen to their hearts and what
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they are feeling. Have the time begin with three deep breaths with a slow expire. Then use a chant, song, or bell to end the silence. You can explain beforehand in the announcements that you will do this, so people are prepared and don’t leave during the credits. For those who are not staying for the conversations, this processing time can be beneficial to transitioning from the emotional impact of the viewing to the task of getting home. 6. End the time of silence with a short break. The episodes run about 80 minutes, so many will need a toilet break, which also enables those who want to leave to do so. 7. Begin the conversations after the break. 8. Stay within the advertised time. If you plan for an hour conversation after the screening and a break, the entire time commitment would be around 160-180 minutes. 9. After welcoming everyone and before the opening ritual, take care of announcements, identify facilitators and chaplains, and ask them to be mindful of who is present with them. Remind them that people may have complex emotional responses to what they see. Rather than applause, invite people to use their hands in a gesture of agreement to something they see, and, if they appreciate something humorous, to laugh quietly. Humor and expressions of sorrow can vary culturally, and in a diverse group, it’s important to be attentive to those differences. 10. Explain deep listening (see summary below). 11. Begin & end each conversation session with a brief ritual act that is collective & appropriate to those in attendance before the singing. For example, begin the viewing with having people greet those near them in a formal way, then follow with a short invocation, chanting, singing, or a short time of silence to breathe deeply & end with a bell or gong. This marking of the space of the program with a ritual act identifies it as liminal space & time, an experience outside ordinary time. The ritual marks the space as special and heightens the feeling of intimacy during a conversation, and it helps people to be fully present and to settle into the event.
Two Models for Structured Conversations: These are designed to encourage deep listening. Structure One: Small Groups:
1. Ask people to create small talking groups with people they don’t know of 3-6. Small groups allow people more time to create a close, friendly context and to talk longer. 2. Begin the small group conversations by having everyone take three deep breaths and letting the breath out very slowly while feeling their body sink deeply into their seat. This helps to calm people and make them present in the moment. 3. Instruct everyone to identify something they are wearing or carrying in a pocket or purse that is important to them, and if it is portable, to take it out and hold it. Have each person introduce themselves in one minute to the others by saying their name and what makes the object important to them. If there is space, they can place the object on the floor in the middle of the group—the objects become an “altar” that holds the presence of each person in the group. The visual reminders
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help people remember the others in the group. Give them one minute per person to do this. (This use of the significance of personal objects is an oblique reference to Tim O’Brien’s beloved novel about the Vietnam War, The Things They Carried.) 4. Select three questions you want to have the groups address. Ask one at a time and give them time to answer them. Make clear that if anyone hears something they want to share outside the group, they must ask the person who said it to give them permission. Questions that might be used (select about three at most and use your own if you prefer): a. What did you receive from this episode that was valuable to you? b. What surprised you about this episode? c. What most affected you emotionally and how does it relate to your life experience? d. What feeling lingers for you from this episode and what evoked it? e. What remains unresolved or difficult for you? f. Was there anything that inspired you or made you feel grateful in the episode? g. How were you changed by watching this? 5. Invite the groups to address each question by every person speak 2 minutes while everyone else just listens. Have a timer, bell, or gong for the conclusion of the time for each question. Be sure the last question helps people shift mood to something neutral or positive. 6. Give the groups 3-5 minutes just to talk and process what happened to them and how they were changed by viewing and talking together. 7. Ask them to collect the things on their altar to conclude the conversations and call everyone back together. If the same groups are gathering every episode, you can use different check-in processes at the beginning but always begin with the three breaths and ask them to do some sort of check-in. 8. You might invite people during the time before the next episode to write or draw their responses to what happened and bring them to share the next time. Begin with those sharings to start the conversation about the next episode—this links the episodes and follows the series itself in which a person’s story appears in several episodes. 9. If the attendees are not regular, do the group altar exercise every time. 10. Call everyone back together and give them 5-10 minutes to volunteer short statements (or even just words) about what they learned or how they were changed. 11. End with a chant, song, extinguishing of the candle, or offer a few words of affirmation and farewell, and an invitation to return for further episodes.
Structure Two: Inner-Talking, Outer-Listening Circles:
(Sometimes called a fishbowl) Recommended for events that will have varied and unpredictable attendance.
1. Set the chairs with an inner circle of chairs that have 10-12 chairs and place a circle around them, but within 4-5 feet of the inner circle. If the entire group is small, the inner circle can be as small as 4. If the attendance is larger than will fit without
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spreading the outer circle too far from the inner one, do two outer circles, one behind the other. The goal is to enable the outer circle(s) to hear what is said in the inner circle. Even better than an extra outer circle would be a second innerouter circle, if you have space, but be sure to have two additional facilitators as well. 2. Announce the total amount of time dedicated to the talking circle and use an hourglass or visible timer, so people attend to the length of time they speak. 3. Have a facilitator sit in the inner circle who invites people to sit in the inner circle if they want to speak (encourage some volunteers if people avoid the inner circle, but not every chair needs to be occupied to start the conversation—it’s a good idea to have a few people who have agreed ahead of time to start the sharing). 4. Explain deep listening and explain that people are invited to speak from their hearts about how they are feeling (the list of questions above can be used as prompts). The outer circle’s role is to listen deeply to the person speaking. 5. Before anyone speaks, have everyone take three deep breaths by inhaling deeply and exhaling very slowly while feeling their body rest deeply into their seat. 6. Invite people in the outer circle to come up to empty chairs in the inner circle if they want to speak and to speak when they are ready. 7. Ask people not to return to the inner circle to speak again until everyone in the outer circle has had a chance to speak. 8. Explain that each person has up to 2 minutes to speak and indicate an hour glass or some other way that everyone can see the time—it helps speaker and listeners to be aware of the limits of the time. 9. Ask everyone else to focus and listen to the person speaking, including the inner circle. After each person speaks, everyone should take two long deep breaths and let what they said settle in. 10. Invite people after they speak to leave the inner circle, after the long breath, when they feel ready. 11. When the next person in the inner circle feels ready, she or he speaks. You can go around by turn, or just let people speak when they are ready and keep going around as new people move into the circle from outside to speak. 12. Do not be afraid of the silences. Often people are taking in something powerful and important, so don’t start to get anxious if the silence goes awhile. Be patient. 13. If a speaker starts to argue or state a political opinion, the facilitator might want to remind them, gently, that people might agree or disagree, but this process is about sharing what moved them and what hurts remain. 14. When time to end comes, don’t interrupt the final speaker. Wait for silent space to bring things to a conclusion. Thank everyone for sharing and listening carefully. 15. Take a few minutes to ask people to look around the room at others and to share how they have been changed or what they have learned from the conversation. 16. End with three breaths, followed by a chant, song, extinguishing of the candle, or offering a few words of affirmation and farewell, and an invitation to return for further episodes. 17. If you have a crowd larger than 50 or so, and cannot do a second circle, you may want to use the small group process. Not everyone will want to speak, but too large a crowd will prevent some people from speaking who might want to.
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Troubleshooting: With topics as conflicted and contested as war, it can be easy for people to want to argue points of view rather than open their hearts. Often, such differences carry intensity, but not the kind of emotions that encourage vulnerability or openness. If a person uses their time to make an argument, make sure there is the breathing time after they speak. Then, remind everyone that that the process of deep listening means also speaking from the heart with openness.
If someone starts to respond to the argument, dueling opinions can derail the listening process. The facilitator might need to intervene, but graciously and gently so as not to stir things up more. If an argument starts to happen, ask the responder to begin first by restating what they heard and checking with the previous speaker to see if they feel heard. It can be the case that profound grief and hurt lie behind an angry opinion and has been the way a person has coped with their suffering is to hold tight to their judgment. Just feeling heard can help and open up a different way of saying something. So before letting someone else respond to an opinion, be sure the previous speaker feels heard. If a speaker has a hard time with vulnerability, it may help to ask them to sit with what is happening to them or to ask what supports their looking forward with hope if the past cannot be changed and what they believe can inform the future. If the speaker is not able to make themselves vulnerable and stays with an argument or opinion, you might remind the whole group before the time of silence that the deep listening process asks us to set our own evaluations aside and to take in what was said with an open the heart. Ask them to listen to the feelings and try to connect with compassion for the feelings. Listening with the heart does not require adjudicating the truth of statements, just a willingness to listen to the suffering involved. If someone speaking starts to be overcome with emotion, don’t jump in right away unless you are worried about their mental health state. Give them a short time to recover. If they break down more, a chaplain or counselor may want to approach to sit next to them and offer a steady hand on their hand or arm (touching is cultural so ask permission if the person is a stranger and not of the same culture). If that fails to help them regain control, the support person can ask if they’d like to leave for a bit. After some time to regroup, they may choose to come back or, if they want to leave, the support person should make sure they are OK to get themselves home. If they do not seem stable or in control, use the emergency hotline to get help before you let them leave.
About Deep Listening
When we listen with an open heart, we listen to understand, to empathize, and to accept the other’s feelings and who they are. We seek to be fully present and attentive and to make speaking easier by setting aside a need to judge, evaluate, or challenge. We receive what is shared as a gift, with gratitude. If thoughts, emotions, memories, associations arise in your mind, notice them, and gently let them go, so you can return to listening to the speaker, wholeheartedly. By quieting our
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busy thinking minds, we make it possible to listen precisely and openly, instead of arguing with and trying to control what we hear. Some call this a contemplative mind: fresh, alert, attentive, calm, and receptive. We are listening for a person’s own understanding of their story rather than for facts to adjudicate truth or to agree or disagree. We do not have to worry about what we think or what we want to say. Just receive and let what we receive settle into our hearts so that, if we speak in response, it will come from our hearts as well. Being listened to this way can be affirming and transformative, especially if we also share by making ourselves vulnerable and honest when we have a chance to reflect on our response. Deep listening applies not only to communication with another but also to our inner awareness.
Resources:
About types of deep listening:
Small groups listening: http://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/practices/features.php?id=15570 Attentive, Receptive Listening: http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree/deep-listening Slowing Down to the Speed of Love: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/what_is_deep_listening.html
1. Arts and Healing Program at UCLA Collaborative Centers for Integrative Medicine (CCIM): http://uclartsandhealing.org/free-downloads/. 2. Brock, R. and Lettini, G. (2012). Soul Repair: Recovering from Moral Injury After War, Boston: Beacon. 3. Capps, W. H. (1982). The Unfinished War: Vietnam and the American Conscience. Boston: Beacon. 4. Drescher, K., et. al. (2013). “Morality and Moral Injury: Insights from Theology and Health Science,” Reflective Practice: Formation and Supervision in Ministry, vol. 33 http://journals.sfu.ca/rpfs/index.php/rpfs/article/viewFile/262/261. 5. Graham, L. (2017). Moral Injury: Restoring Wounded Souls. Nashville: Abingdon. 6. Litz, B. T., et al. 2016. Adaptive Disclosure: A New Treatment for Military Trauma, Loss, and Moral Injury. NY: Guilford Press. 7. Marlantes, K. (2011). What It Is Like to Go to War. NY: Atlantic Monthly Books. 8. Van Der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. NY: Penguin Group LLC. 9. Woods, D. (2016). What Have We Done: The Moral Injury of our Longest Wars. NY: Little, Brown.
Prepared by Rita Nakashima Brock, Ph.D., Senior Vice-President for Moral Injury Programs, Volunteers of America and Commissioned Minister of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) Pacific Southwest Region. Please send questions, feedback, or comments to rbrock@voa.org. (510) 203-7481.
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